A month or so after Sylvia died I was told that ‘it would get worse’ by someone in the know. Carlos and I talked about that statement later, only to be baffled at how it could possibly get worse. Surely, we thought, it must at least some how get better. We have been through the worst…right? How could it continue on a downward spiral? How could anything get worse than this? But they were right. It is worse. It has gotten much worse. In two weeks it will be the week that I found out I was pregnant. Any moment past that, I was pregnant a year ago. We are entering the time of year that 365 days ago I had hope. To now be at the same time of year, except without her, without hope and still lost and confused is nearly more than I can seem to bear. The past two weeks or so have been awful. I don’t know if something triggered it or if its just time that is suddenly my enemy. Its truly physically painful. Grief seems to have a tangible manifestation that is present now in my life. Its like a new character, a side-kick. I’d even go so far as to say grief is like a new friend because of its constant presence. Its almost comforting in a way as often I feel like it brings me closer to Sylvia.   Continue reading →