I don’t know where I left off with the last post other than an obvious hiatus. I don’t know what I have mentioned and what I haven’t either here or on my Instagram page. July has been fucking awful. I am back to the emotional point of sobbing every single day. I keep begging and pleading with the future that the anticipation of August and Sylvia’s first birthday will be worse than the actual month and the actual event. It *has* to be. How can anything be worse than where I am at right now. I feel exhausted, emotionally and physically, and daily I think about how much easier to would be to be dead. I am not suicidal, so do not misunderstand, but if I were dead I wouldn’t feel this pain. And being dead is the only release from it. No, I am not suicidal, but I get it…I get why it can feel like the only other option. I understand why people drink, abuse medication and turn to self destructive behaviors. I get it. It would be so much easier to shut off from the world and just float, medically altered, rather than wake up and pretend that I really care all that much about anything other than putting one foot in front of the other.  Continue reading →