Monthly Archives: April 2017

Story Time

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I have been open about the fact that Carlos and I were ‘trying’ again. People would ask, hesitantly, with their tone of voice implying the I-don’t-know-if-this-is-okay-to-ask sensitivity that came with a hopeful heart. I would say that yes, we were, and it was a weird place to be. Most often the conversation about that topic would end there. My head had moved to a really weird spot where I was certain that it just would never happen. I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a post or not, (I think I did?…) but in a moment of sheer panic in January, I texted our doctors nurse and asked to come in for labs, tests and medication for my seIf diagnosis of infertility. I had calmed down a bit by the next day when Carlos and I went in for our appointment. My theatrics had slightly embarrassed me and the understanding and compassionate look I got from the nursing staff and our doctor were enough to make me realize that while it may be the first time some one has demanded Clomid via text message, it might not be far off from other situations they have encountered from a mother who lost a child. I would take a pregnancy test every month a day or two before my period and the dark pink control line and the stark white space indicating a NO next to it was what I saw every time. I became unable to image seeing two lines indicative of a positive pregnancy test. Me sobbing, Carlos holding my hand and our doctor telling me in the most understanding and caring way that I needed to chill out ended the appointment. Those six months of a big NO seemed like a lifetime. I felt angry and sad and like every month after the window of fertility was a waste of time until I would take a test that said NO and then the cycle began again. So romantic.  Continue reading →

Pregnant Lady on a Walk

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I am writing this to be posted in the future. Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant. We plan on announcing publicly in a couple weeks and I think I will set this to publish at the end of the month, when I will be 14ish weeks pregnant, just out of first trimester. It occurred to me, that as my mind is running a million miles an hour with thoughts and emotions I couldn’t have imagined, it might be harder to back track and regurgitate them that I expect. So writing it now, in anticipation of posting soon, seemed like the best option.  We started sharing with friends and family as soon as we found out, but to invite the rest of the world (meaning social media…) into my head space and specifically my heart, seemed like too much initially, especially since its all a bit muddier than I expected. However, I have feelings right now that cathartically speaking, are important for me to share. I’ll probably (hopefully) post date a lot more blogs. Continue reading →

Today I am pregnant

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This post is post-dated. It was written one week prior to the published time.

Today is the day before we plan on announcing our pregnancy to the rest of the world. Slowly we have been sharing with friends and family but tomorrow we have an ultra sound. Our last appointment, where we found out we were pregnant, was five weeks ago. This has seemed like a really long month. Today I picked up an extra shift but wasn’t called in so I have literally just been laying on my couch for several hours crying off and on. Today is also Sylvia’s 8 month birthday.  Continue reading →

Small Mental Updates

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It’s been a while since I wrote, which I have guilt about. Though I have a million blog prompts in my head, getting them out and written down seems to be overwhelming. We are coming up on Sylvia’s 8 month birthday. It is so unbelievable to me that its been that long since she died. Realistically, when I look back at the past 8 month I can’t even hardly tell you what I have done with my time. My house looks the same, all of her things in their exact location that they have stayed since I was pregnant and since she died, my job is the same, though more exhausting it seems, my relationships with friends are about the same, though she have shifted, and thats okay, my marriage is the same, thankfully and my head…well, thats constantly moving. My ‘hard days’ that I can’t get off the couch are fewer but it isn’t because I hurt any less. I find myself more and more sad that I can’t envision what our life would be like with her here simply because I have nothing to compare it to. Often even, it seems like Sylvia and her life and death were some strange dream that never even happened…like its some make believe situation, a story you repeat to yourself so much that you start to believe its true. I see the pictures of her, I see her urn, I see her blanket, I have memories of my pregnant belly…but still it seems sometimes like it just never happened. A million things about the past 8 months make me very, very sad and feel very, very guilty but this is probably the worst. I suppose some psychoanalytical explanation would be that my mind is trying to protect itself, but in regards to the only memories I have of my only child, I need my brain to back off. I need those memories to feel real, I need to remember the weight of her in my arms, I need to remember how it felt to kiss her head, I need to be able to visualize her toes and fingers and nose and chin and hair. I need these details because its all I have. For her and those moments to feel sometimes like they never happened at all is so painful and makes me feel so terrible and guilty. I didn’t have control over what happened and the unexplained reason to why she died and now I don’t seem to have control over bringing back memories and making them seem like they even happened at all.

Time is a really weird thing. It keeps going by no matter what you’re doing. Though its constant, I couldn’t name a single thing that seems more varied. This month, in particular, has felt very long but this 8 months has felt very fast. When I think of Sylvia’s upcoming first birthday I find it hard to breathe. I know it will be here faster than I want and I have already started to think about how we want to celebrate it. August is so beautiful here, hot, but beautiful. The sun is out and long, evenings are warm, sunsets are beautiful, grass is green, flowers and orchards are still beautiful…its the month Carlos and I got married. The top of our wedding cake is still in our freezer because last year, when we should have eaten it for our first anniversary, Sylvia had died two and a half weeks prior. Celebrating an anniversary by eating a year old cake felt cruel. That cake was made when we were different people. The only detail I have absolutely decided about Sylvia’s first birthday is that we will have a little version of our wedding cake made for her, decorated with succulents, just as ours was, and something purple.