Over brunch today with a close friend I was sharing how huge it feels like pregnancy loss and infant death feels in my world. It seems impossible that any pregnancy can be carried to term, that any baby can be born crying, wriggling and hungry and that any infant can live past their first year. Because the reality of Sylvia’s death is so huge, so heavy and so intense every second of my life, it seems impossible that we are the minority and that pregnancies, infants and children, usually live. Though the miracle of life is not lost on me, more so it is magnified, it still seems simply impossible that any baby could live…that surely fetuses and infants are just dying left and right and the ones that live, those are the minority. My friend, who personally understands grief and the very non-linear path it takes, shook her head and stated that a world that doesn’t allow Carlos and I to parent a live child isn’t a world she wants to live in. I agreed, acknowledging for the millionth time since August 12th, that the reality of that situation isn’t a world I want to live in either.  Continue reading →

Two days ago marked Sylvia’s five month birthday. I cried, a lot. I worked that day which I don’t really ever know if it helps to be busy or not. On one hand, it prevented me from sitting on the couch and crying all day and on the other, I had a near nervous breakdown in our staff bathroom which resulted in Carlos braving our very snowy, icy roads for emergency drop off of Xanax. I also finally moved from night shift to day shift this past week which has been fantastic. I really didn’t even realize how terrible I felt working nights. Physically and emotionally, I was exhausted beyond what I even could feel. Now on days, I truly can feel a little more pep in my step. To come home and have dinner with Carlos, to go to bed with him every night…I had no idea just switching shifts would have this much of an impact on me. No, I don’t feel better regarding anxiety, sadness and my grief, but I do feel different. I do feel more awake, I feel more connected with my job and I also feel lighter and my breaths are easier. The heaviness of night shift was something I didn’t even realize was a thing. But it was, for me.  Continue reading →