There are certain places, events, ages and periods of time, and more that define a part of who you are as a person. One such example for Carlos is the summer he lived outside Cle Elum in central Washington when he was 7. Though it was a brief period of time, and seemingly uneventful to an outsider, that summer has resonated with him ever since. It was a defining time for him growing up, figuring out the world around him, growing, exploring and learning about himself and his family. His life there was uprooted quickly and he and his family moved away. It has always seemed to me that though his time living there was brief, he left a piece of himself there to keep on growing. We drive past the area he lived whenever we head to the other side of the mountains. He always looks in the direction of his former home as we drive by, nostalgically, lost only momentarily in memories and thoughts I imagine. Once we took the long way home as he wanted to show me the exact location. He found where he thought it was, as details have gotten foggy over the years and wildlife has taken over. It tugged at my heart strings to watch him try and remember details and locations. I could tell it upset him, slightly, to not remember things that he so badly wanted to share with me. That place, that time, that age…it is one of those things that is as defining of him as his name is.  Continue reading →

Yesterday was Carlos and my first wedding anniversary. Since Sylvia’s death, we completely forgot about the approaching date. My mom thoughtfully booked us a room at the Paradise Inn at Mt. Rainier that we were able to escape to and spend 24 hours with no cell phone reception, no wifi, not even TV, in the mountains on completely cloudless days. It was gorgeous. We hiked, talked, shared memories, cried, laughed, ate a wonderful dinner and breakfast and enjoyed feeling invisible in the mountains with each other. We took the Skyline Trail hike counter clockwise at an early hour. It took just under 4 hours and because of the time we took off and the direction we went, we enjoyed well over the first half of the hike nearly completely alone. It was not the anniversary we expected, but it was magical.
On my Instagram I posted a picture recently regarding a shirt I purchased while I was still pregnant. (link here) The entire hike, I kept reliving the conversation I spoke about in that post. We are climbing our mountain Carlos.  Continue reading →

I’m sitting here in our family room staring blankly around the room. Carlos is cleaning out the fridge. Removing all the items and drawers. Carefully and thoughtfully cleaning each space and ledge. He is wiping down bottles, jars and containers of food that really no longer are of much interest to either of us. Throwing away the things that inevitably get pushed to the back, forgotten about and expired. He fixed the door to the fridge as well. Since we bought this house a year ago the door to that appliance doesn’t close all the way unless you push it. Fixing it was on his list of things to do while on his three weeks of paternity leave. Other things on the list include the remodel of one of our bathrooms we have been planning, getting in for several doctors appointments he has been putting off, getting estimates for the new AC unit we inevitably need to purchase and moving a large wood pile in the back yard to a new location. Some how, though all these things seem completely pointless and irrelevant to us now, he is plugging away at them.  Continue reading →

During our pregnancy we had a million conversations of anticipation of future events.
“Carlos! I hope you’re home when it is time to leave for the hospital! Can you imagine how excited you will be if I call you at work? You better drive safely the entire way home!”
“Our bags are packed! I left a list of last minute things not to forget before we leave for the hospital – please make sure whatever you are going to want to wear is free from dog hair!”
“Imagine how exciting it is going to be to get up the elevator at the hospital and check in!”
“I wonder how long I will push for?”
“Teresa, where do you want me to be while you are pushing?”
“What are the first things you are going to say to her?”
“I wonder what she will look like?!”
The list is endless of thoughts, ideas, plans and conversations we had. Often we would lay in bed for hours before falling asleep, Carlos rubbing my belly, and we would just talk about how excited we were. We talked often about how it just seemed unimaginable that in six months…in four months…next month…in two weeks…maybe tomorrow?!…that she would be here. I think most first time parents feel this way. This time clock that your body knows, that you do not, where suddenly your entire life changes. And it always seemed to totally surreal, totally unimaginable that she would be here, our entire lives changed and we would be holding a beautiful little girl that we created.  Continue reading →

Writing this post means reliving the most unimaginable event of my life. Am I ready for it? I don’t even know. It’s been 14 days since ‘the appointment’ where we found out she had no heartbeat and 13 days since she was born. But it’s been 269 days since I told Carlos we were pregnant. So for 255 days we dreamed, planned, celebrated, anticipated, cried, laughed and rightfully obsessed about our baby, our family and our future. On December 30th we had our first ultrasound were she was just a little jelly bean. That was 239 days ago. On March 5th I felt her move for the first time. That was 173 days ago. On March 23rd we had another ultrasound where we saw she had Carlos’ nose and was measuring perfectly in the 50th percentile. That was 155 days ago. On May 31st we had a third ultrasound where she was so soundly sleeping curled up in a little ball that we could barely get a good picture of her face. We laughed because we knew in excitement that the next time we saw her, it wouldn’t be in an ultrasound, it would be in person. That was 86 days ago. On August 8th, the day before our due date, we had an appointment where her heartbeat was 140 beats per minute and I still had zero cervical change and no signs of contractions. That was 17 days ago. For all 282 days of our pregnancy I was medically perfect on paper. I had typical pregnancy complaints, sure, but nothing I ever voiced much more than a complaint here or there to anyone other than Carlos. I couldn’t find it in myself to make my pregnancy known as anything less than the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to us. We were over the moon, why would I complain about what my body, seemingly magically, was creating? My appointments were simple and easy. I stayed active, ate healthy, managed my stress and nurtured a loving relationship with my husband, family and friends. She measured consistently in the 50th percentile, heart beat always 140-160 and was very active. She was everything to us. Our daughter, our hopes, our dreams, our future…our entire world in one little girl. I know all first time parents are excited, I know that, but Carlos…Carlos was more. I can barely begin to recap our thousands of conversations of plans and dreams we had for when she was here before it literally becomes too painful. I can still see Carlos’ face with a huge smile, his adorable cheeks, and the sparkle in his eyes, looking off over my shoulder lost in his own imagination of what it will be like when she is here. Carlos was more than excited. Her and I, we were his everything.

It’s been 13 days since we said goodbye to her.  Continue reading →